When Is It Normal and When Should We Be Concerned?

“How come you never told me about your vacation? When are you leaving and when are you coming back?” Lalitha asked her daughter Preetha. Her anger spiked and she became agitated.

“Amma… I told you last week when I came home to give you the bananas from the village,” Preetha tried to remain calm as she replied.

“No… you just handed over the bananas and rushed, saying you were late for your office meeting.”

“Yes, Ma… I was running late. But when I came and kept the bananas on the table, you were busy sorting out your pill box. That was when I told you. It’s okay… maybe you weren’t really listening.”

Lalitha was silent for some time.

“I have no memory of that conversation,” she finally said.

“Okay, Amma. Have you packed the vathal that you made last week?” Preetha tried changing the subject.

Lately, Lalitha had been forgetting quite a few things. At 80, she was still active both mentally and physically. The things she forgot were usually simple and did not interfere with her everyday life. But they were beginning to upset her. She often felt that people were not telling her things or were leaving her out of important conversations.

Preetha had recently read about the difference between age-related forgetfulness and the early signs of dementia. She knew that occasional forgetfulness could be a normal part of ageing, but she also realised that it was difficult for a family member to judge where normal forgetfulness ended and something more serious began.

Perhaps it was time to take Lalitha to their GP.

Is Forgetfulness a Normal Part of Ageing?

Forgetting things occasionally is not necessarily a sign of dementia.

As we grow older, our brains may take a little longer to process and retrieve information. An older person may forget someone's name but remember it later. They may misplace their spectacles, forget where they kept their keys or walk into a room and suddenly wonder why they came there.

Sometimes, they may even forget a conversation, particularly if they were distracted, tired or preoccupied when it took place.

These occasional lapses are generally not a cause for alarm if the person continues to manage everyday life independently.

The important question is not simply “Does the person forget?” but “How is the forgetfulness affecting the person's daily life?”

Forgetfulness or Something More Serious?

There is no single moment when ordinary forgetfulness suddenly becomes dementia. Changes in memory can occur gradually, and only a medical professional can properly assess what is happening.

However, certain changes deserve greater attention.

For example, it may be concerning if an older person:

• Frequently asks the same question or repeats the same conversation
• Regularly forgets recent events or important information
• Gets lost in familiar places
• Has difficulty managing money, bills or medications
• Struggles with tasks that were previously routine
• Has increasing difficulty finding or understanding familiar words
• Frequently misses appointments or important commitments
• Shows significant changes in judgement, behaviour or personality
• Becomes increasingly dependent on others for everyday activities
• Forgets how to use familiar household appliances or devices

One such incident does not automatically mean that a person has dementia. But when these changes are persistent, progressive or beginning to interfere with daily life, it is important to seek medical advice.

Not Every Memory Problem Is Dementia

It is easy for families to become frightened when an older person starts forgetting things. But memory problems can have many possible causes.

Poor sleep, stress, anxiety, depression, dehydration and nutritional deficiencies can sometimes affect concentration and memory. Certain illnesses, thyroid problems and some medications can also contribute to confusion or forgetfulness.

Hearing and vision problems can play a role too. If a person cannot hear a conversation properly, they may later appear to have forgotten what was said when, in fact, they never fully heard the information in the first place.

This is why it is better not to label every memory lapse as dementia.

A visit to the doctor can help identify possible causes and determine whether further assessment is needed.

How Can We Help an Elder Who Is Becoming Forgetful?

Perhaps the most important thing a family can do is to protect the person's dignity.

It can be frustrating when an older parent asks the same question for the third or fourth time. But responding with irritation can make the person feel embarrassed, helpless or even unwanted.

Instead of saying:

“Amma, I already told you this!”

we can try:

“Yes, Amma, I remember telling you. Maybe you didn't hear me properly that day. Let me tell you again.”

The information may be the same, but the response is very different.

Use reminders

A simple calendar, diary, whiteboard or mobile phone reminder can help an older person keep track of appointments, visitors, family events and important dates.

For someone who takes several medicines, a properly organised pill box and a written medication schedule can also be useful. Any concerns about medication should, of course, be discussed with the doctor or pharmacist.

Keep things in familiar places

Keys, spectacles, wallets, hearing aids and other frequently used items can be kept in designated places.

A predictable routine makes everyday life easier and reduces unnecessary frustration.

Give information in more than one way

If there is an important family event or appointment, tell the person and also write it down.

For example:

“Doctor's appointment – Tuesday, 11 a.m.”

A written reminder can be much more helpful than expecting the person to remember something that was mentioned several days earlier.

Maintain a regular routine

Regular times for waking up, meals, medicines, exercise, rest and sleep can provide a reassuring structure to the day.

A routine also makes it easier for family members to notice if something changes.

Encourage activity and companionship

Staying physically active, socially connected and mentally engaged is beneficial for overall wellbeing as we age.

Walking, music, reading, gardening, prayer, conversation, hobbies, games and participating in social activities can all help keep everyday life stimulating and meaningful.

The goal is not to turn every activity into a “brain exercise”. It is to help seniors remain engaged, connected and purposeful.

Listen to the Emotion Behind the Forgetfulness

This is something families sometimes overlook.

Lalitha was not only forgetting the conversation about Preetha's vacation. She was also feeling hurt because she believed that her daughter had not included her.

For an older person experiencing memory changes, forgetting can itself be frightening.

They may wonder:

“Why am I forgetting things?”

“Is something wrong with me?”

“Will my family think I am incapable?”

A little patience and reassurance can make a tremendous difference.

Sometimes, what an older person needs is not a correction but a comforting response.

“It's alright, Amma. I'll tell you again.”

Those few words can preserve dignity and prevent a small lapse from becoming an emotional wound.

When Should You Take Your Loved One to the Doctor?

If forgetfulness is new, becoming more frequent or progressively affecting everyday life, it is sensible to discuss it with the family doctor.

The doctor may want to understand when the changes began, how often they occur and whether there have been changes in sleep, mood, medicines, behaviour or ability to manage daily activities.

It can be useful for a family member to accompany the older person and describe specific changes they have noticed. Keeping a simple record of incidents can also help.

Most importantly, do not wait for the situation to become severe before seeking advice.

Early assessment does not mean that a person has dementia. It simply means that the family is taking a change in health seriously and giving the older person the opportunity to receive appropriate help.

Growing Older Should Not Mean Losing Dignity

Forgetfulness can be one of the many changes that accompany ageing. For some people, it remains occasional and harmless. For others, it may be an early indication of an underlying condition that needs attention.

The difference cannot always be determined by the family alone.

What every older person deserves, however, is patience, understanding and respect.

Let us not make an elderly person feel inadequate because they forgot something we remember.

Let us remind them gently.

Let us help them establish routines.

Let us accompany them when they need medical attention.

And above all, let us remember that the person is always more important than the memory lapse.

At Manolayam, we believe that caring for seniors is not merely about attending to their physical needs. It is also about providing companionship, reassurance, dignity and a sense of belonging — so that every senior continues to feel valued, heard and cared for.